Men are from Mars, Women are from Heaven

 

Men are from Mars, Women are from Heaven

Every young girl and boy is taught gender specific roles through social construct and role-play. How to dress up, how to walk, how to talk, what games to play, which music to listen to, which people to avoid, which colors suit us and what toys are good for us. These gender specifications come early and most times we internalize these concepts through repetitions in our societal structures of family and cultural groups. A young girl learns her place in life and a young man learns his through this role modeling. However, we also learn to rebel as a result of certain unfairness and injustice in the very same social outfits. The movies we watch are a reflection of our society and even though we know that the screen does stereotype us a bit, it is a fact that it gains most of its data from the same divided society.

A young woman learns how to nurture. She learns to be a mother to her children. She takes on the role of a carer and cook and nurse and becomes what her family needs her to be when the situation calls for it. She becomes indispensable to her family. A woman picks up these characteristics and performs them flawlessly. She becomes in her children’s eyes, perfection. But in fact she wasn’t always so. She as a young girl, loved to sleep in. She tossed her clothes around. She messed up her room as much as her brother. She studied and earned her career. And then she learned all these roles as necessity demanded.

So why is it that a young married girl learns to juggle through different roles so easily and not a man? Most men are not the primary care takers of their off-spring. The thought does not even strike them that they could feed the child, or bathe or sing the child to sleep without constant reminders or timetables.  Of course due to the pressures of work, a man might attempt to cook a Sunday meal or order takeout. And if the mother is delayed at work or has to go out with friends, he ‘babysits’ the kids. An Indian man does not even know the concept of being a parent. That is still a woman’s domain. Of course, a woman will be loathe to give-up this control to a man. It is after all this particular charge that gives her an important bargaining power in the household. A young man also learned to be a father. He got his qualifications and earned his living. But more than providing a little help, He didn’t take over from his own father or mother. He was happy to relinquish control and responsibility to whoever was around to do the job…and in this case, a wife.

I come from a family where we were raised by the matriarch. We are a family of very strong women and the masculine influence is minimal. Every decision was taken by women. When I fell in love, and met my intended’s family it was during a mealtime. And after the initial reserved introductions, an aunt proceeded to instruct me on how to serve food. The order of food was told to me.: each vegetable and dal and salad had specific location on the plate. I was asked if I would like to demonstrate. My hackles were raised. It was obvious that the men would be served first and the women later. I politely refused and this was taken quite negatively by my SO. He later admonished me and said that I would find it very difficult to adjust with his family if I took offense with such a simple detail. I walked home that day and the long walk made me ponder on the differences in our cultures. I wasn’t the type of person who would ever call herself a feminist. Yet, the idea of serving someone first didn’t sit well with me because of the obvious disparity made between the genders. I couldn’t understand how women in our culture take pleasure in such servile behavior and teach their daughters the same.

Now after being married and after a few years of being with these same women, I have begun to understand the delicate balance that these same women maintain in their households. The amount of spice and salt in the food is a way of their tiny acts of rebellion. I could prepare all that food in a matter of 45 minutes and yet, these women slave in the kitchen for hours or at least that’s the impression they give to anyone cooking that same amount of food and serve the men first and then they eat languidly in royal style without any cares. How absolutely clever!

How has life changed for a woman in India? A woman is no longer expected to stay at home and if she does, it is because of a conscious decision made by the couple or the woman herself.

How has life changed for a man? It hasn’t. He basically has his group of friends and when he wants to meet his band of boys, he does so. A woman has her friends and when they meet most times, the children form part of this date. Sadly, a woman’s friends circle changes quite drastically depending on her marital status as well as on her motherhood quotient. Many times, a woman gives up her simple desires such as her favorite food or clothes or hairstyle as a compromise to keep a marriage safe. She has guilt as her best friend. Sometimes stolen pleasure such as a gossip magazine read in a toilet or in a park are her small moments of freedom from the oppressive environment of her marital home. In a modern world, we do not have blatant violence in a marriage anymore…or very rarely. But the emotional violence that has overtaken it is huge and causes such a trauma in a woman’s life that all she has is her job that she looks forward to. It’s a relief when Monday dawns in her life. She can escape from a home of guttural silence into a world of predictive chaos. A cup of tea with her colleagues and a train ride or a bus ride from her workplace is a haven for such women. They learn to compromise in such morbid conditions . The Indian woman learns to choose her battles and when it comes to shove, it’s always her children that she holds above all else. A woman in India learns to give it all up so that she can be a mother. Perhaps she couldn’t be a good daughter or a good wife, but hell will freeze over before she lets anyone call her a bad mother.

The Indian woman is not a lonely woman. Even though her battle is a singular one, it is by no means an isolated one. She knows that. And that means she opens up to her friends. They all share in her trials. They make light of it. They offer commiserations and they give her a shoulder to cry on. She may take them up on their suggestions or not. But she feels secure in the knowledge that she has someone she can talk to. The kind of struggles that she deals with, are not strange to her circle of friends. That makes it a rather bleak society. But the strength of thier friendship makes her look forward to a new day with hope.

An Indian woman reconciles to the fact that her life is complete when she is married and she is a mother. But She also recognizes the truth that she needs a good woman friend in life to make this journey a tolerable one. A good husband is a hope. But a good woman friend is what every Indian girl understands is a necessity.